Chronically Beautiful!
 July 23, 2017 I threw my white-gold, diamond ring across the room in a bout of anger and shock. Suddenly that infinity band meant absolutely nothing, and the air surrounding me hung around like a thick fog. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t in the plans. This didn’t check my boxes and it certainly didn’t fit with the dialogue I’d been raised with my entire life that said: “if I married a returned missionary in the temple, I’d be marrying a man who was pure and faithful to me.” This wasn’t adding up to the love story I had pressed so firmly into my mind since I was a young girl, and what I hadn’t yet perceived was the massive paradigm shift this was about to cause in my entire reality. “I’m THAT girl who spent 6 months with a ring on her finger. Who planned an entire wedding, only to find out a week prior it was all a lie: Woman discovers fiance’s pornography addiction.” And I’m also that girl who received hundreds, if not thousands of hate messages and emails for months, years actually, over two very important decisions. The first: calling my wedding off because of porn, and the second: choosing to share my story.  The past seven years of backlash has left me contemplating the demoralization of the majority of human beings and wondering when we came to a place in society when wanting a man who only has eyes for you became a shameful thing? But this experience did something else unexpected for me: it solidified and strengthened my devotion to virtue, purity, and honor in a traditional and biblical way, and it made me even more steadfast in my search for a husband who turns from lust, looks away from the filth that is pornography, and abstains from sexual immorality. And here’s why: In the giant mess of hate messages and emails, there were voices I didn’t expect that suddenly had an opportunity to rise up against the naysayers. And they did so by sharing some of their greatest horrors with me. Hidden behind all of the hatred of goodness were women all over the world who shared their stories of betrayal, adultery, and abuse within their marriages because their husbands indulged in pornography for years. These stories are of such heaviness and so personal that I choose not to share screenshots or specific examples. But nonetheless, I received hundreds if not thousands of these stories. These stories broke my heart for these women. I knew, time and time again, I had made the right choice in calling off that wedding. So why am I back here at my keyboard sharing my heart with this world once again? For THESE women. These women who never felt they had a voice until they read a story of a random nobody girl who called her wedding off because she believes pornography is something of abhorrence. I’m here to tell the rest of the story. I was sitting up in my bed with the dim, glowing light of my lamp illuminating the room, with God’s word opened and resting on my lap. It had been two months since that fateful day when I called my wedding off. I was going to make it through. I had a good job, and I was making new friends and creating a new life for myself without the person I thought I would build a life with. On the outside one would think I was doing great. But in the evenings when I sat with myself and God, my heart often felt weary and the ache in my chest from losing someone I loved weighed on me. I closed my scriptures and crawled out of bed. My knees fell to the floor near my bed as I began to plead with God to dull the ache in my soul and to heal my heart. I felt I was asking for a tall order, but I knew God had answers I didn’t. He always did. I opened my eyes, wiped my tear-stained face with the back of my hand, willed myself back onto my bed, and opened the Bible to a random spot. Isaiah 61:1-3 “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” In that moment, the words “Beauty for Ashes” felt like they jumped straight off the page and into the innermost refuge of my heart. That night, a part of my weary and hurting heart healed. I can’t exactly explain it, but it’s like I heard God speaking to my entire being that He came to me to comfort me and to restore everything I had lost. And this situation, which certainly felt like ashes, would one day be restored in the form of a love that was right for me. So for the next 7 years, I grasped that verse and promise in my heart and spirit so tightly, it often gave me the extra faith I needed to wait for my “beauty for ashes.” July 23, 2024 I woke up with the sun as per-usual on a warm summer morning. I could see the sunlight pouring through the cracks in my blinds as my eyes flitted open to face the day. My head was clear these days and my heart held little speckles of hope that God was working on my behalf for old dreams lost in passing years. Exactly 7 years ago I called that wedding off, and now I rarely thought of the experience. In the years to come after that life-altering decision I created a non-profit and stood as President of the organization. I was working a job and took on the homesteading life, growing gardens, and spending my early mornings hauling hay and milking goats. I also created and hosted my own podcast, and built ways for people going through similar experiences to connect with one another. I also left the Mormon Church. That may come as a shock to many who read my last articles, but to those of you who accused me of being in a cult, you were right! I was absolutely in a cult. Turns out the lies my ex-fiance spun were not the only lies I was listening to and believing. The first shocking truth I learned about the LDS church: the pornography addiction epidemic within the members of this church is astronomical. So are the many lies the church strings to keep its members paying their tithing and staying in the church. How ironic that a church that so loudly proclaims chastity, virtue, honesty, and integrity also happens to be steeped in these very sins they preach against. And stop before you comment here. I’m about to get the “but nobody is perfect” mantra from anyone reading this. But imperfection is vastly different from blatant deception and secret keeping surrounding major issues like lust and addiction. It isn’t talking about the issue that feeds the fire of addiction. Quite the opposite actually. If the people who struggled with porn addiction would start talking about it, they would realize they have AN ARMY of people struggling with the same thing. And the help we would have if that army came together to overcome would be remarkable! But instead we spread whispers and tuck secrets tightly behind interviews with our Bishops. So to sum all this up, the truth is I dated a lot after my canceled wedding. And I discovered pornography to be an overarching theme. The topic and problem was just always there among the young men I hoped would turn from it, while church members and leadership kept repeating to me: “It’s just what men do to cope.” “Once you have the addiction it will ALWAYS tempt you.” “You will ALWAYS have relapses. That’s normal.” “You’re just too picky. And you act like you never make mistakes.” Okay. Except none of those rhetorics align with the Word of God. But this isn’t about the Mormon church. Or any church really. Leaving the Mormon church simply served as a significant step in healing, and I still maintained my love of virtue and purity. Through all these things, healing was gradual and steady. It didn’t come all at once, and it wasn’t linear. But now, I just wanted to be a light in the world, and I wanted an honest man that would join me in that endeavor. I was tired at this point. Tired of offering hope to young men only to find the same fruits of porn addiction lurking in every corner of many many relationships. The fruits of porn addiction? Yes, I mean hyper-aggression, lying, betrayal, blaming, selfishness, manipulation, gas-lighting, abandonment, ect. These behavioral patterns kept surfacing in the young men I was dating, with the common denominator always being lust and porn addiction, whether full blown or on the road to recovery. Except we don’t teach that you can actually recover. To be honest, the whole world kept telling me not to be judgemental while other young men who struggle with lust continue to judge me for being “too good.” So on this day 7 years later, I threw in the towel. I fell to my knees and petitioned God. “Okay. I’m done. This is what I’m looking for in a future husband. I want REAL love. And this is IMPOSSIBLE. But You are in the business of doing the impossible. So if there is a man out there for me, ignite his heart for me, in Your holy name! Thank you Jesus for the blessing that is coming.” And I heard nothing in return. So I got up off my knees, wiped my tear stained face with the back of my hand, and continued on with my day, strong and independent as ever. Oct. 21, 2024 I walked into my house with a sparkling rose-gold, diamond ring on my left hand, and the hand of my new fiancé in my right hand. Everything felt like a complete rush, but I never thought I could feel so right about somebody so quickly. God had confirmed to me in my heart multiple times that my husband-to-be was my soulmate. Almost like we were custom made for each other. After years of dating the wrong people, the right person can seem unmistakably obvious. But how did I go from my prayer of surrender and petitioning God in desperation to wedding planning so soon? I met my husband through a mutual friend of ours on Facebook. One day in early March of 2024 I got a Facebook message from a kind, older gentleman I knew from my podcast and some of our mutual Facebook groups. This gentleman told me about this young man he had connected with who was sent home early from his LDS mission for many of the same reasons I left the LDS church. Not for immorality or dishonorable conduct, but because he woke up to the lies the church weaves. This friend then suggested this young man and I start a Youtube channel together, helping young people come to Christ through scripture. I accepted this idea and we set up a short Facetime call. So, I met this young “apostate missionary” on a short video call. We had maybe two short calls after that discussing potential ideas, and then life got busy for both of us and we didn’t talk directly again for months. At the time I had created a group chat with young singles from everywhere who shared similar faith stories, and this particular young man happened to be in this chat as well. This was a very active chat, and he quietly observed my interactions with him and others from a distance. He also spent time watching my podcast and we became friends. But I never supposed we’d be good friends or reach any personal level with one another. After months of this, he sent me a private message and asked if I was still interested in doing a Youtube channel with him. I replied yes and we set up another video call to plan. Little did I know he had more on his mind than a Youtube collab. At the end of that call he timidly asked me out on a date and to be honest I was shocked. How did I not see that coming? And plot twist, this young man lived across the U.S. from me in Alabama! So how would we even go on a date? He explained he was willing to fly out just to go out with me, and when I said yes he purchased his plane ticket that night and flew out a couple weekends later. After one weekend together he expressed to me he wanted to move to Utah to pursue me and make a real effort to prove to me the kind of person he was. He told me not to take his word for it, but that he would show me. And show me he did. This sweet and genuine young man moved so he was living in the little town next to mine, and we started dating. We dated for a month and a half, got engaged, and were married a month and a half later. And come to find out, I asked him on our first date when the idea of us was planted in his mind, and he replied “About 3 days before I asked. I just suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about you for some reason.” And this is no coincidence. That “three days ago” was July 23rd, 2024. Exactly 7 years after I called my first engagement off, and the exact date I surrendered and petitioned God to “ignite my future husband’s heart for me.” I would not have forgotten that date. My inner jaw dropped with that answered question and I think I knew then that he was the one. And this may all sound absolutely crazy. But it happened, and it turns out that a virgin Joseph wants to marry a virgin Mary. And they both want to be loyal to each other for the rest of their lives together. And it works beautifully. Go figure. So what, you both think you’re perfect then? Absolutely not. Turns out my husband, Ashton, has a story of his own to tell. You see, Ashton was exposed to pornography at the very young age of 8 years old. He struggled with a lust addiction for a long time, knowing full well in his conscience it was wrong, but not knowing how to overcome. Rather, his story is like many young men in this generation; the lust overcomes them instead. But when Ashton truly found Jesus, he experienced a mighty change of heart, and Jesus took all desire for sin from him. So he repented, and overcame completely, freed from even the temptation. My husband has been clean for a long long time. He was long clean before we met, and he’s been clean ever since. There isn’t a single ounce of pornography or lust that enters our marriage. Rather, we live a marriage of loyalty, love, and fidelity in every way. And how do I know he lives up to this? His fruits. Ashton shared this story with me on his first trip to meet me. He was honest and forthright from the beginning and he wept tears of joy at the explanation of God’s deliverance to him. Ashton is kind and patient. There’s no constant criticism, gaslighting, or manipulation that infiltrates our relationship. There are no secrets and no hiding. We help each other heal from our life’s hurts and walk with God in faith that He will continue to deliver us. There’s joy and light between us, and there is never a constant pull to be somebody I’m not, just for him. Ashton is also just as passionate as I am about virtue and purity, and with his permission I share this story as a beacon of hope to men who wrestle with lust, and women who are desperately looking for a man who only has eyes for her. This isn’t a story of how wonderful my husband is on his own merit, or a story of how great I think I am because I choose not to use porn. This is a story of the glory of God and His power and healing. God truly is a waymaker and He will deliver us when we offer Him our broken hearts and contrite spirits. This is not taught in a 12 step program. But it’s the only way of true healing and complete deliverance.
I was supposed to get married in a temple to a returned missionary in an expensive dress. I was supposed to swear an oath that I would obey my husband as he obeys the Lord. I was supposed to have a giant party surrounded by family and church members. At least that little picture is what I thought I was supposed to do. Instead I got married in a little historical building in a dress I bought online to a man who was "dishonorably discharged" from his mission. That "dishonorable discharge" just means he's the most honorable young man I've ever met. I wasn't married in a castle like I planned, but my husband treats me like a queen. We didn’t swear oaths, but we promised each other in the sweetest of ways to always honor God together and remain true to what we value the most, in front of a small room of people we later danced the day away with in celebration of our union. I only sent 35 wedding invitations to people I knew would want to celebrate with us. When the time finally came to plan the wedding of my dreams, I just wanted Jesus to be present with us, sealing our marriage to Him. And I know Jesus was with us that day. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Ashton is truly the “beauty for ashes” God promised me all those years ago. And he’s my constant reminder that truly anything is possible with God.
To all of the women who have suffered sore abuse at the hands of men who refuse to fight this battle of pornography addiction, WAIT on the Lord. Run to Him in your suffering. He will hold you through the storm, and in His time, He has deliverance waiting for you right around the corner. Don’t settle for anything less. And to the men caught in the war of pornography addiction and fighting against it, don’t stop fighting. Run to Jesus with it. He will deliver you. Just as He delivered my husband. The young man I almost married is no longer “my ex-fiancé.” We are simply two people who crossed paths at one point. And my hope for him is overcoming so he can wholly love his true soulmate. I wasn’t her. And that’s perfectly okay. For every troubled soul, and a very troubled world, there is hope and healing ahead. Sources for Past News Stories:
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