A Glance Into Life's Oppositions

I once used to be a young girl that found every detail in life to be absolutely magical. I used to record every moment that seemed completely enchanting on little strips of paper, and I'd fold them up and put them in a small jar that I kept on my dresser. And as I now look back on those moments that I never would have recalled otherwise, I'm reminded that every one of those moments was perfectly ordinary, but my mind recorded them as memories that were special.

​I've jumped in huge piles of golden leaves whose crunch sounded like a symphony to my adolescent ears.  I've smelled fresh baked cookies only to run into the kitchen carefree and joy-filled. I've balanced on sidewalk curbs and rolled down hills with the only side effect being pure laughter. I've watched clouds form shapes in the sky almost like magic, and I've walked barefoot in the grass without a worry in the world.

I've taken long walks with people who make me wish that the path we were on wouldn't end. I've watched sunsets and prayed in small groves of trees. I've felt my heart skip beats because I thought I was in love. I've waded in streams knowing without a doubt that my feet would leave footprints in every place I've tread, and known later that footsteps and hand-prints can remain in hearts as well.

And now... I grasp these beautiful moments tight because throughout the change and pain in life I find it significantly more difficult to experience these things. Or perhaps the difficulty is less from the lack of opportunities, and more from the lack of my ability to see artistry and charm because life can often be coated in tragedy, heartbreak, and pain.

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I've walked down the roads along my property accompanied by my bleeding heart, with my hands stuffed in the pockets of my sweatpants seemingly hundreds of times, holding back tears and attempting to get my thoughts straight, and soaking up the peace that I could muster from the subtle delicacies of nature that are all around me.  I've walked slowly and carefully in the middle of my field for no reason, and I've knelt in prayer in tall grasses during my heart's desperate cries for help.

I've been abandoned by those that I gave my heart to, and I've been forgotten by those that I never forget. I've glared worthlessness and feeling as though I will never be enough in the face, and I've stood in front of the mirror completely helpless as black runs down my cheeks as if my pain has a physical way of escaping my body. I've felt ripped, torn, wounded, and shredded through the storms of life. 

I've felt deep paralysis in my limbs. I've spent weeks struggling to walk. I've experienced deep panic and have been consumed by fear. I've felt the crushing pressure of seemingly lost dreams and hopeless nights. I've laid sprawled on my bathroom floor, unable to move my limbs, shaking from head to foot, and praying for the sweet release of death.  

And after one is shattered by the pressures of trauma and illness, one must choose the proper way to move forward. And through that process, there will be days when one can feel perplexed as to what "moving forward" can even begin to look like.   

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So how does one compile all of the magic and the pain? How does one process the Olympic moments with the pitfalls and darkness? Perhaps the beauty of life is that we are not required to live it all at once, and we are not required to live it all by ourselves.

So, for now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and leaning for dear life against the One who has experienced this all before. For now, I'm praying for eyes to see the magnificence that is so graciously placed before me, and I'm praying for fortitude in every ounce of pain and suffering that I may experience.

And most of all... I'm praying for all of the cuts and scars to be healed because carrying this all on my own has proved to be soul-destroying.

And then I seek for extra faith and practice deep trust. Because my God and my Savior have never let me down, left my side, or broke my heart, so why would I doubt for a second His infinite ability to heal my body, my heart, and my soul? For as I practice and reach for daily faith I'm reminded that God is writing an unforgettable and breathtaking story for me, and He's simultaneously preparing me for glory and joy that I can't comprehend in this life.

So may we all remember the enchanting moments that are perfectly ordinary. And may we all learn from life's agonies that prepare us for life's greatest joys. For no being can live in a state of endless bliss without missing some greater exquisiteness, and it's very possible to be in the midst of suffering while simultaneously witnessing miracles. There is room for all of it in life. And we must remember that there is a purpose for it all in life.  As we do that, we'll walk paths that will bring us to our greatest peace and joy.  And that's worth living for.