I once used to be a young girl that found every detail in life to be absolutely magical. I used to record every moment that seemed completely enchanting on little strips of paper, and I'd fold them up and put them in a small jar that I kept on my dresser. And as I now look back on those moments that I never would have recalled otherwise, I'm reminded that every one of those moments was perfectly ordinary, but my mind recorded them as memories that were special.
I've jumped in huge piles of golden leaves whose crunch sounded like a symphony to my adolescent ears. I've smelled fresh baked cookies only to run into the kitchen carefree and joy-filled. I've balanced on sidewalk curbs and rolled down hills with the only side effect being pure laughter. I've watched clouds form shapes in the sky almost like magic, and I've walked barefoot in the grass without a worry in the world.
I've taken long walks with people who make me wish that the path we were on wouldn't end. I've watched sunsets and prayed in small groves of trees. I've felt my heart skip beats because I thought I was in love. I've waded in streams knowing without a doubt that my feet would leave footprints in every place I've tread, and known later that footsteps and hand-prints can remain in hearts as well.
And now... I grasp these beautiful moments tight because throughout the change and pain in life I find it significantly more difficult to experience these things. Or perhaps the difficulty is less from the lack of opportunities, and more from the lack of my ability to see artistry and charm because life can often be coated in tragedy, heartbreak, and pain.
So how does one compile all of the magic and the pain? How does one process the Olympic moments with the pitfalls and darkness? Perhaps the beauty of life is that we are not required to live it all at once, and we are not required to live it all by ourselves.
So, for now, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and leaning for dear life against the One who has experienced this all before. For now, I'm praying for eyes to see the magnificence that is so graciously placed before me, and I'm praying for fortitude in every ounce of pain and suffering that I may experience.
And most of all... I'm praying for all of the cuts and scars to be healed because carrying this all on my own has proved to be soul-destroying.
And then I seek for extra faith and practice deep trust. Because my God and my Savior have never let me down, left my side, or broke my heart, so why would I doubt for a second His infinite ability to heal my body, my heart, and my soul? For as I practice and reach for daily faith I'm reminded that God is writing an unforgettable and breathtaking story for me, and He's simultaneously preparing me for glory and joy that I can't comprehend in this life.
So may we all remember the enchanting moments that are perfectly ordinary. And may we all learn from life's agonies that prepare us for life's greatest joys. For no being can live in a state of endless bliss without missing some greater exquisiteness, and it's very possible to be in the midst of suffering while simultaneously witnessing miracles. There is room for all of it in life. And we must remember that there is a purpose for it all in life. As we do that, we'll walk paths that will bring us to our greatest peace and joy. And that's worth living for.
This truth is for all of my single ladies! (Or should I say... single Lymies!)
It's no secret that a lot of people my age are out dating, getting engaged, getting married, and so on. It's also not a secret that I follow lots of chronically ill moms on social media because they inspire me and I aspire to be in that place someday. But alas, it also isn't a secret that chronic illness tends to put a damper on dating, and in my experience can sometimes have its way of extinguishing one's dating life altogether!
But I'm not sharing this truth to write my lament of a single Lymie... I'm sharing this truth because, in a world where I constantly feel the pressure to date and not be single, I sometimes think it's okay to be single for the time being.
A relationship is not a prize or a gold star that you wear on your sleeve. The person you love should not be a status that makes you look good on Facebook or Instagram, but rather love finds you with God's timing. And in the meantime, every individual has immense worth and potential on their own.
It's no joke that Lyme disease is usually the deal-breaker with many men, but it's also a truth that I'm grateful to my Lyme for weeding out the liars, the users, the shallow, and the ones with all the wrong intentions. Life gets very real with me very fast because of my illness, and every guy I've ever dated always seems to know that the second the words "chronic illness" escapes my lips. So it can get discouraging, but it doesn't take away my abilities to do incredible things while I patiently wait for God to send me the man that will support me in my illness just as I plan to support him in whatever comes our way.
So exercise patience. You are lovable, even with an illness. And you are incredible, no matter your ability... or disability in this case... True love comes in the right place at the right time, and in the meantime, Lymies and other chronic illness warriors can always choose to live their best lives. Thriving is always possible, in sickness and in health.
I have been learning this profound lesson about happiness lately and this is it:
God wants ME to be happy!! Not just everyone else, not just healthy people, not just people who seem to have it all together, but ME. Little, insignificant, sick, tired, and sometimes a little bit crazy ME.
For the longest time, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be happy. Like if I was happy it meant that I wasn't being refined enough in life, and I should be in pain because that's how I'm going to learn the hard knocks of life right?! WRONG. As necessary and as unavoidable pain and suffering are in this life, the end goal for each of us is still pure joy. Illness for sure has a way of refining you, to which I am thankful for those painful moments that teach me amazing lessons, but because I have Savior who empowers and a God who LOVES me, I know that I can find happiness despite my circumstances.
Don't get me wrong, in NO WAY is this always easy, but if you're in that place of darkness right now I BEG OF YOU; please don't quit. Please carry on. Please put on your extra strength and remember that pain is not meant to last into the eternities. It is meant to refine us in the here and now, and WE WILL GET THROUGH IT. God is bigger than us. And He can and will ease our pains.
The truth is that Lyme Disease or any chronic illness is no joke. It can be very intense and very exhausting on the daily. I've often found that there are many people who choose to walk in and walk out of my life because if you get too close too me, my natural fire can tend to singe your eyebrows!
Here's my response to anyone who has made comments about how I can be "a big sacrifice" or a "burden" because of my illness:
Everybody that breathes can be viewed as a sacrifice! Every single person in this life will reach a point where they will be called to go through deep adversity and trials, and the reason for that is because we do not learn the greatest of life's lesson without a little sting in the process. We cannot truly know and appreciate joy and peace if do not first pass through intense pain. As we all come to those times in our lives, it would do as all some good to take each other by the hand and offer LOVE and SUPPORT instead of criticism and fear. (Believe me, this illness gives me enough fear without other people adding to it.)
My reality is that I may cry a little more and little harder than most, but I also laugh a lot harder and a lot louder than most. I may experience intense panic and PTSD, but I've also found that it doesn't take much to get me to smile anymore. My heart may cry out in agony a little more frequently that I ever thought it would; but thankfully I've found my sparkle through it all that comes from being unique and rare.
Everything in life has it's opposite. The goal is to look for the good and focus on the immense beauty that is often found among all the ugly. And the goal in our interactions with others is to see them for who they really are and who they have the potential to be, and then to love them through this scary, intense, beautiful, and miraculous life.