Dear Future Children,
My dear babies, I know the difficulty of seeing your mother as young girl herself, but as I sit in the silence of night, being my inexperienced age of 19, I find myself dreaming of you beautiful children more often than not.  I’ve always dreamed of you, but the closer I get to finding your father, and making a life of our own, the more I find myself longing for your presence in my life.

I often find myself dreaming of every precious memory we’ll make together.  Your first word, your first step, or even the first time I have the privilege of laying eyes on you.  I envision my sweet little clan following me into church, like a stream of ducklings clumsily swimming after their mother.  I dream of every laugh, tear, and joy that will come from a calling as fulfilling and celestial as motherhood.  I picture your first date, sending you off to college, and starting beautiful families of your own.  And I can only imagine the joy that will fill my heart and soul as I watch you follow God, and live your lives accordingly.       

With that said, I don't believe that motherhood is all endless bliss. I realize that for every laugh there will be a tear.  For every joy there will be a heart ache.  I especially know that chronic illness will somehow manage to find its way into our family.  That thought is my worst nightmare.  If it comes to pass, just remember that despite the hardships that will come our way, I'm still thrilled at the idea of bringing each and every one of you into the world.  Raising you in a home centered on love for each other, and love for God will be one of my greatest joys.  Every precious moment with a child (whether that child be young or old) makes the hardships completely worth it.  I truly believe that.   

My precious children, right now your mother is in the process of suffering though something awful.  I hope and pray that you will never have to suffer on this excruciating level for this prolonged amount of time.  But if it comes to having Lyme thrust into your life, your Mom will always be with you.  I will fight with you, I will fight for you, and I will love you every step of the way.  I’ve traveled the road of hardship, I’ve felt the physical pains of chronic illness, and I’ve endured emotional trauma caused by physical ache and pain.  It’s not over yet.  Your mother still has a battle to fight, and I intend to fight until the end so I can bring you children into this world and be the mother I intend to be, and that God intends me to be.

With that said, there are things I want you all to know.  Things that you should cherish.  Things that are a part of your heritage, and part of God’s plan for you.  These words of wisdom from your mother come directly from my heart, and they will help you to navigate your way through illness and affliction.  I will teach you as you grow, and I only hope that you will cherish my words, and keep them tucked safe inside your heart.  Lyme is no easy battle to conquer, but as you fight, remember your mother who will never stop fighting until she comes out conqueror.

1. Know that I love you very much!  My love for you is eternal.  A mother’s love for her children is so precious and sacred that I can’t even begin to comprehend the love that I will have for you as time goes by.  You have not yet entered into my life, and I already know I love you very much.  Never forget that.  Never forget the power of a mother’s love for her children. 
2. Know that God loves you very much.  God will never leave you helpless, even if it feels like it in the moment.  He is always there, He will always sustain you and give you enough power and strength to make it through your most dark and desolate moments. 
3. There will be times when your mother is too sick to do normal things.  You’ll come to understand this as you suffer with me, as I have with my mother.  Always remember that as a family we can get through anything.  We must support each other in our hardest of times.
4. There will be times when you are in such excruciating pain, that you will be completely debilitated from daily activity.  Do not fear this knowledge, and do not fear the incoming pain.  It’s horrific.  It’s unbearable.  It’s excruciating.  But it has no power over you as long as you don’t let it defeat you.  You are stronger than you think.  The more you suffer, the more you will truly discover how strong you really are. 
5. Don’t ever let anybody lead you to believe that it’s not okay to grieve your pain.  Physical pain does not go away just because you have a positive attitude.  It’s okay to grieve.  Grief is not negativity.  Screaming from excruciating pain is not negativity.  Expression of one’s feeling of pain is not negativity.  It’s reality.  Life is not always bliss.  But if you don’t suffer, then you will never know and appreciate pure joy.  Grieve, and then let the Savior take your grief and transform it into something wonderful and beautiful.
6. There will be times when people manipulate you to believe that your illness isn’t real, that you’re weak, or that you’re less then something because of your illness.  Don’t ever believe these people.  Your illness does not determine who you are.  It is how you embrace and react to your illness that shows your strength.  Just because you are unique in your medical history or opinions does not make you less of a person.  It does not define you as “weird” in the eyes of God, or in the eyes of people that love and understand you the most.  There’s a certain kind of beauty that accompanies uniqueness.  Embrace that beauty and let is sculpt you into the person God intended for you to be. 
7. Never listen to the naysayers.  Embrace who you are and better yet, who God wants you to be.  People can always talk you down.  This somehow seems to be more prevalent when you’re sick.  Always respond with talking them up and strengthening their souls.  Misunderstanding, ignorance, and misguidance are the culprits of verbal cruelty.  Don’t listen to what people tell you.  Listen to what God tells you.     
8. Never stop believing what you know to be true.  It has been my faith, and my devotion to truth and following God that has kept me going through this illness.  It can do the same for you.  Always stay true to what you know is truth, and live the way that God would want you to.  Stand firm even if it isn’t necessarily the “popular” thing to do.  God wants to see you follow Him whether it’s popular or not.  Don’t ever let anything deter you from doing just that, because standing firm in truth will lead you to overwhelming peace and serenity even through hard times.
9. NEVER lose your faith.  There have been times that your mother has doubted, feared, and felt her faith crumble underneath her. The more this happens, the bigger the fear and doubt become.  Don’t ever let that happen!  It’s the lack of faith that causes that to happen.  Once I realized I was lacking faith, my faith grew into something unstoppable.  Have faith that God is watching out for you.  Have faith that He loves you.  Have faith that He will heal you.  Have the faith that gives you hope for the future and strength on your rockiest days.

Trials will always come.  There will be tears.  There will be despair.  Find strength through God. Always remember your great worth and don’t ever quit.  Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.  I know that if you follow God, you will come out stronger in the end, as I have.

Your Loving Future Mother

Dear Future Husband,

You're probably comfortably settled in your bed right now, laying on your back with your hands tucked up behind your head.  And you're probably staring at the ceiling, contemplating work, school, and other various complications of life.  You may or may not be asleep, but either way you're probably thinking or dreaming about your future.  And while your thoughts are dancing through your mind at this very moment, I'm thinking about you. 

I'm fantasizing the first time we meet, our first date, our first kiss, and every memory we'll make thereafter.  I'm questioning if I'll ever find you, or if you're simply a distant dream.  I’m lying in my cozy bed, wrapped in my comforting blankets, clutching a pillow close to me, wondering if you're thinking of me too

But future husband, where ever you are, and whoever you are, if you’re thinking of me, I bet you've never considered marrying a “sick girl.”  You'll never consider it until you meet me.  And when you meet me, I hope you'll be able to look beyond the disease and see the person that is so much more than the illness that her body houses.  Just know, chronic illness or not, I intend on being the best wife you could ever ask for, and I truly hope that your intentions toward me are the same.

You should know that it won't always be easy.  I suppose an undertaking as celestial as marriage is never easy, but I truly believe that marriage is what you make of it, and what you put into it is what you’ll get out of it.  I’ll put my whole heart and soul into our marriage.  And through it all, God will guide us, He will never leave us. But before we dive into matrimony, there are things you'll need to know.  Marriage with a sick person is no easy task, but I promise I'll make it worth your while, and I promise that through it all, I'll always love you.

Here are the things I want you to know:

1. You will not simply be my husband.  You will be my husband, my help-meet, my caretaker, my best friend, and the love of my life.  The love that I have for you will be eternal, whether I’m sick or not.
2. There will be days that I'm so sick, I can hardly get out of bed.  On those days, I need your love, and your compassion.  Please don't abandon me when I need you the most.
3. There will be days that I will need help doing simple tasks simply because my body aches with too much pain to accomplish things by myself.  I'll need help doing simple tasks such as washing my hair, getting out of bed, and walking.  I'll need your help.  And as you help me, you will learn a lot.  You’ll learn a lot about yourself, a lot about me, a lot about service, and a lot about love.  You will help me, and I will help you.  That’s how I intend for our marriage to work.  We will always help each other, no matter how large the task may seem.
4. There will be days when I'm in so much pain, I’ll scream in agony.  Those screams will haunt you.  Those screams are something you will never un-hear, but they will strengthen you and help you to become the man that God intends for you to be.
5. There will be days that you want to give up and the discouragement will be overwhelming.  Never give up.  I need your strength.  I will be strong for you.  I will always keep fighting for you.  Please do the same for me.
6. There will be days when you feel like God has forgotten us.  I promise you, He has not.  He is always there, even if we can't feel it at the moment.  He is there, and He loves us unconditionally.  Never forget that.  Never give up on what you know to be true.  Rely on the Savior harder than you ever have before and He will lighten our burden.  I know He will, without a doubt. Always remember that, and overwhelming peace and joy will enter into our lives even through our darkest times
7. Always pray.  Pray personally, and pray with me.  Pray for me, and I will pray for you.  When you no longer have the strength to stand, kneel and pray.  When you feel incredibly blessed, kneel and pray.  When you don’t know what to think or feel, kneel and pray.  Never stop praying, whether things are hard or not.  It will strengthen us and bring us closer to God.
8. Never stop feasting on God's word.  The scriptures hold the answers to our prayers.  Never forget that.  Study on your own.  Study with me.  Study with the intent to be filled with the Spirit every time you read.
9. Never lose faith.  There will be days when I need your faith, and days where you need mine.  We'll rely on each other.  Suffering is never easy, but if we keep our faith in God, His plan for us, and His love for us, we can overcome anything and life will always have its joy and beauty. 
10. Life is hard, but with God anything is possible and we will be able to overcome all of our sorrows and afflictions.  We’ll rely on each other, and on God for strength and nothing will ever be too difficult for us to overcome.  

I love you my sweet future husband, wherever you are.  One day God will cross your path with mine, and our beautiful love story will begin.  I can’t wait for that day.  Prepare yourself.  You might be surprised to find that I’m your future wife, but I’ll always be the best I can be for you.  Stay true to who you are and always have righteous desires and our paths will cross very soon.  I will always strive to be the best friend, wife, and mother that I can be, even if I’m sick.  I know that God has greater plans for me than this illness.  I know He has greater plans for us.  Together we can get through anything as long as we trust God in everything.

Your Loving Future Wife​ 

I believe that crying is one of the most beautiful things that we as humans have the privilege of experiencing as we go through life.  The value of a tear is worth so much more than just a drop of water that streams down your face.  I truly believe it's a blessing; a spiritual gift given to us by God.

We all express our feelings about life through tears at one point or another.  We cry when tragic things are inflicted upon us.  We cry during life's most beautiful moments.  We cry simply because we can, and because God has blessed us with a way to express ourselves without having to say anything at all.  A tear can hold a life's load of pain and sorrow, but it can also hold a moments worth of joy and peace.  There is literally no other source of expression that can do both of those things at once.  What a remarkable and incredible piece of human sentiment.

The ability to weep is something I'll be eternally grateful for.  There are times of horrendous pain where there's nothing left to do but cry.  Crying is a battle technique for me.  When Lyme rages, and my own body is trying to destroy my mind and spirit, tears are my final battle cry.  My final swipe of a sword.  My final arrow being shot onto the battle ground.  My go to warrior cry that gives me the courage to keep going.  

​Tears come when everything else fails.  Chronic illness tends to make you cry a lot, and that's okay.  Your body hurts beyond belief, you do everything in your power to make the pain stop, your attempts fail, so you settle for a helpless crying session.  It's the circle of life in the chronically ill body.  You hurt, you cry, you keep fighting.  The important thing is what you do with those tears when you're done crying.

Don't ever get caught in an eternal river of tears.  It's okay to cry, but then get up!  Splash some cold water on your tear stained face!  Put on some clean pajamas and prepare yourself for battle!  Every time I flare, I enter the battlefield of my own body, and I have to keep telling myself, "Get yourself back on that battle field and keep fighting!  You're a warrior!  And you will not lose this battle!"  I may fight my battles with tears, but I always follow up through fighting with faith, prayer, hope, and peace in knowing that God has a plan for me, Lyme or no Lyme.  

Don't ever be ashamed to cry it out.  Don't ever be afraid of expressing yourself through sobbing.  It's not the crying that determines weakness or strength.  It's what you do after you've had a good cry.  We're all warriors in this battle of health and wellness and we have a duty to keep fighting no matter how bad our bodies ache and hurt.  Physical pain is hard, but with God, anything is possible, even overcoming physical pain.  I truly believe that.  God loves us all, and with Him on our side, we can overcome anything.