Dear Future Children,
My dear babies, I know the difficulty of seeing your mother as young girl herself, but as I sit in the silence of night, being my inexperienced age of 19, I find myself dreaming of you beautiful children more often than not. I’ve always dreamed of you, but the closer I get to finding your father, and making a life of our own, the more I find myself longing for your presence in my life.
I often find myself dreaming of every precious memory we’ll make together. Your first word, your first step, or even the first time I have the privilege of laying eyes on you. I envision my sweet little clan following me into church, like a stream of ducklings clumsily swimming after their mother. I dream of every laugh, tear, and joy that will come from a calling as fulfilling and celestial as motherhood. I picture your first date, sending you off to college, and starting beautiful families of your own. And I can only imagine the joy that will fill my heart and soul as I watch you follow God, and live your lives accordingly.
With that said, I don't believe that motherhood is all endless bliss. I realize that for every laugh there will be a tear. For every joy there will be a heart ache. I especially know that chronic illness will somehow manage to find its way into our family. That thought is my worst nightmare. If it comes to pass, just remember that despite the hardships that will come our way, I'm still thrilled at the idea of bringing each and every one of you into the world. Raising you in a home centered on love for each other, and love for God will be one of my greatest joys. Every precious moment with a child (whether that child be young or old) makes the hardships completely worth it. I truly believe that.
My precious children, right now your mother is in the process of suffering though something awful. I hope and pray that you will never have to suffer on this excruciating level for this prolonged amount of time. But if it comes to having Lyme thrust into your life, your Mom will always be with you. I will fight with you, I will fight for you, and I will love you every step of the way. I’ve traveled the road of hardship, I’ve felt the physical pains of chronic illness, and I’ve endured emotional trauma caused by physical ache and pain. It’s not over yet. Your mother still has a battle to fight, and I intend to fight until the end so I can bring you children into this world and be the mother I intend to be, and that God intends me to be.
With that said, there are things I want you all to know. Things that you should cherish. Things that are a part of your heritage, and part of God’s plan for you. These words of wisdom from your mother come directly from my heart, and they will help you to navigate your way through illness and affliction. I will teach you as you grow, and I only hope that you will cherish my words, and keep them tucked safe inside your heart. Lyme is no easy battle to conquer, but as you fight, remember your mother who will never stop fighting until she comes out conqueror.
Your Loving Future Mother
Dear Future Husband,
You're probably comfortably settled in your bed right now, laying on your back with your hands tucked up behind your head. And you're probably staring at the ceiling, contemplating work, school, and other various complications of life. You may or may not be asleep, but either way you're probably thinking or dreaming about your future. And while your thoughts are dancing through your mind at this very moment, I'm thinking about you.
I'm fantasizing the first time we meet, our first date, our first kiss, and every memory we'll make thereafter. I'm questioning if I'll ever find you, or if you're simply a distant dream. I’m lying in my cozy bed, wrapped in my comforting blankets, clutching a pillow close to me, wondering if you're thinking of me too
But future husband, where ever you are, and whoever you are, if you’re thinking of me, I bet you've never considered marrying a “sick girl.” You'll never consider it until you meet me. And when you meet me, I hope you'll be able to look beyond the disease and see the person that is so much more than the illness that her body houses. Just know, chronic illness or not, I intend on being the best wife you could ever ask for, and I truly hope that your intentions toward me are the same.
You should know that it won't always be easy. I suppose an undertaking as celestial as marriage is never easy, but I truly believe that marriage is what you make of it, and what you put into it is what you’ll get out of it. I’ll put my whole heart and soul into our marriage. And through it all, God will guide us, He will never leave us. But before we dive into matrimony, there are things you'll need to know. Marriage with a sick person is no easy task, but I promise I'll make it worth your while, and I promise that through it all, I'll always love you.
Here are the things I want you to know:
Your Loving Future Wife
I believe that crying is one of the most beautiful things that we as humans have the privilege of experiencing as we go through life. The value of a tear is worth so much more than just a drop of water that streams down your face. I truly believe it's a blessing; a spiritual gift given to us by God.
We all express our feelings about life through tears at one point or another. We cry when tragic things are inflicted upon us. We cry during life's most beautiful moments. We cry simply because we can, and because God has blessed us with a way to express ourselves without having to say anything at all. A tear can hold a life's load of pain and sorrow, but it can also hold a moments worth of joy and peace. There is literally no other source of expression that can do both of those things at once. What a remarkable and incredible piece of human sentiment.
The ability to weep is something I'll be eternally grateful for. There are times of horrendous pain where there's nothing left to do but cry. Crying is a battle technique for me. When Lyme rages, and my own body is trying to destroy my mind and spirit, tears are my final battle cry. My final swipe of a sword. My final arrow being shot onto the battle ground. My go to warrior cry that gives me the courage to keep going.
Tears come when everything else fails. Chronic illness tends to make you cry a lot, and that's okay. Your body hurts beyond belief, you do everything in your power to make the pain stop, your attempts fail, so you settle for a helpless crying session. It's the circle of life in the chronically ill body. You hurt, you cry, you keep fighting. The important thing is what you do with those tears when you're done crying.
Don't ever get caught in an eternal river of tears. It's okay to cry, but then get up! Splash some cold water on your tear stained face! Put on some clean pajamas and prepare yourself for battle! Every time I flare, I enter the battlefield of my own body, and I have to keep telling myself, "Get yourself back on that battle field and keep fighting! You're a warrior! And you will not lose this battle!" I may fight my battles with tears, but I always follow up through fighting with faith, prayer, hope, and peace in knowing that God has a plan for me, Lyme or no Lyme.
Don't ever be ashamed to cry it out. Don't ever be afraid of expressing yourself through sobbing. It's not the crying that determines weakness or strength. It's what you do after you've had a good cry. We're all warriors in this battle of health and wellness and we have a duty to keep fighting no matter how bad our bodies ache and hurt. Physical pain is hard, but with God, anything is possible, even overcoming physical pain. I truly believe that. God loves us all, and with Him on our side, we can overcome anything.