Dear Future Children, From Your Chronically Ill Mom

Dear Future Children,
My dear babies, I know the difficulty of seeing your mother as young girl herself, but as I sit in the silence of night, being my inexperienced age of 19, I find myself dreaming of you beautiful children more often than not.  I’ve always dreamed of you, but the closer I get to finding your father, and making a life of our own, the more I find myself longing for your presence in my life.

I often find myself dreaming of every precious memory we’ll make together.  Your first word, your first step, or even the first time I have the privilege of laying eyes on you.  I envision my sweet little clan following me into church, like a stream of ducklings clumsily swimming after their mother.  I dream of every laugh, tear, and joy that will come from a calling as fulfilling and celestial as motherhood.  I picture your first date, sending you off to college, and starting beautiful families of your own.  And I can only imagine the joy that will fill my heart and soul as I watch you follow God, and live your lives accordingly.       

With that said, I don't believe that motherhood is all endless bliss. I realize that for every laugh there will be a tear.  For every joy there will be a heart ache.  I especially know that chronic illness will somehow manage to find its way into our family.  That thought is my worst nightmare.  If it comes to pass, just remember that despite the hardships that will come our way, I'm still thrilled at the idea of bringing each and every one of you into the world.  Raising you in a home centered on love for each other, and love for God will be one of my greatest joys.  Every precious moment with a child (whether that child be young or old) makes the hardships completely worth it.  I truly believe that.   

My precious children, right now your mother is in the process of suffering though something awful.  I hope and pray that you will never have to suffer on this excruciating level for this prolonged amount of time.  But if it comes to having Lyme thrust into your life, your Mom will always be with you.  I will fight with you, I will fight for you, and I will love you every step of the way.  I’ve traveled the road of hardship, I’ve felt the physical pains of chronic illness, and I’ve endured emotional trauma caused by physical ache and pain.  It’s not over yet.  Your mother still has a battle to fight, and I intend to fight until the end so I can bring you children into this world and be the mother I intend to be, and that God intends me to be.

With that said, there are things I want you all to know.  Things that you should cherish.  Things that are a part of your heritage, and part of God’s plan for you.  These words of wisdom from your mother come directly from my heart, and they will help you to navigate your way through illness and affliction.  I will teach you as you grow, and I only hope that you will cherish my words, and keep them tucked safe inside your heart.  Lyme is no easy battle to conquer, but as you fight, remember your mother who will never stop fighting until she comes out conqueror.

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1. Know that I love you very much!  My love for you is eternal.  A mother’s love for her children is so precious and sacred that I can’t even begin to comprehend the love that I will have for you as time goes by.  You have not yet entered into my life, and I already know I love you very much.  Never forget that.  Never forget the power of a mother’s love for her children. 
2. Know that God loves you very much.  God will never leave you helpless, even if it feels like it in the moment.  He is always there, He will always sustain you and give you enough power and strength to make it through your most dark and desolate moments. 
3. There will be times when your mother is too sick to do normal things.  You’ll come to understand this as you suffer with me, as I have with my mother.  Always remember that as a family we can get through anything.  We must support each other in our hardest of times.
4. There will be times when you are in such excruciating pain, that you will be completely debilitated from daily activity.  Do not fear this knowledge, and do not fear the incoming pain.  It’s horrific.  It’s unbearable.  It’s excruciating.  But it has no power over you as long as you don’t let it defeat you.  You are stronger than you think.  The more you suffer, the more you will truly discover how strong you really are. 
5. Don’t ever let anybody lead you to believe that it’s not okay to grieve your pain.  Physical pain does not go away just because you have a positive attitude.  It’s okay to grieve.  Grief is not negativity.  Screaming from excruciating pain is not negativity.  Expression of one’s feeling of pain is not negativity.  It’s reality.  Life is not always bliss.  But if you don’t suffer, then you will never know and appreciate pure joy.  Grieve, and then let the Savior take your grief and transform it into something wonderful and beautiful.
6. There will be times when people manipulate you to believe that your illness isn’t real, that you’re weak, or that you’re less then something because of your illness.  Don’t ever believe these people.  Your illness does not determine who you are.  It is how you embrace and react to your illness that shows your strength.  Just because you are unique in your medical history or opinions does not make you less of a person.  It does not define you as “weird” in the eyes of God, or in the eyes of people that love and understand you the most.  There’s a certain kind of beauty that accompanies uniqueness.  Embrace that beauty and let is sculpt you into the person God intended for you to be. 
7. Never listen to the naysayers.  Embrace who you are and better yet, who God wants you to be.  People can always talk you down.  This somehow seems to be more prevalent when you’re sick.  Always respond with talking them up and strengthening their souls.  Misunderstanding, ignorance, and misguidance are the culprits of verbal cruelty.  Don’t listen to what people tell you.  Listen to what God tells you.     
8. Never stop believing what you know to be true.  It has been my faith, and my devotion to truth and following God that has kept me going through this illness.  It can do the same for you.  Always stay true to what you know is truth, and live the way that God would want you to.  Stand firm even if it isn’t necessarily the “popular” thing to do.  God wants to see you follow Him whether it’s popular or not.  Don’t ever let anything deter you from doing just that, because standing firm in truth will lead you to overwhelming peace and serenity even through hard times.
9. NEVER lose your faith.  There have been times that your mother has doubted, feared, and felt her faith crumble underneath her. The more this happens, the bigger the fear and doubt become.  Don’t ever let that happen!  It’s the lack of faith that causes that to happen.  Once I realized I was lacking faith, my faith grew into something unstoppable.  Have faith that God is watching out for you.  Have faith that He loves you.  Have faith that He will heal you.  Have the faith that gives you hope for the future and strength on your rockiest days.

Trials will always come.  There will be tears.  There will be despair.  Find strength through God. Always remember your great worth and don’t ever quit.  Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.  I know that if you follow God, you will come out stronger in the end, as I have.

Your Loving Future Mother