Pain Makes you Stronger

I lay on the couch on Monday afternoon with a good book and a cup of herbal tea.  My body felt heavy under my own weight and my head felt similar to a bag of bricks.  My eyes felt heavy and my hands shook from all the pressure in my joints.  I've had the opportunity throughout my life to get particularly comfortable with the constant companion of nausea, brain fog, cognitive dysfunction, weakness of limbs, and tremors.  I've had those for so long it's almost like they're a part of me.  But this pain was different.  This pain was heavy and exhausting.  I almost felt like I was getting a bad case of the flu.  At the time, I had no idea what I was in for.

Night came and by then I was paralyzed with pain.  Sleeping was impossible.  Every time I would lay on one side for too long, it would start to hurt and I would have to roll over to my other side which caused a whole new strew of pain.  The bricks in my head turned into a sledge hammer gouging into my skull.  The heaviness of my muscles morphed into throbbing pain that bit at every muscle is my body.  My spine felt like it was being wrung like an old rag, and my hips felt like someone was trying to detach them from my waist.  My legs felt like the muscles were being pounded with a mallet and my feet felt like they didn't even belong to me anymore.  Everything was constantly spinning.  Everything was throbbing.  Everything hurt.  I have never been in such terrible pain in my entire life.  I've felt lots of pain before, but this was pure horror.

The majority of this lasted for three days.  Three days straight of intense pain.  One night in attempts to get up and out of bed by myself, I passed out.  I hit my head, and bruised my hip on my hard kitchen floor.  All I remember is opening my eyes and wondering why I wasn't laying in my bed.  I then recalled everything and knew exactly why I wasn't in bed.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry for help.  I wanted to punch something.  I had every emotion at once while simultaneously feeling nothing at all.  All I can say is I would never wish that pain upon anybody.  EVER.       

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Well I'm happy to say I made it out alive.  My pain subsided for the most part and I'm not dead yet.  I'm still sore and recovering.  I feel like I've been badly beaten up and am barely crawling away from it, but I'm one herx closer to being completely healed from this awful illness and that alone gives me hope.  Thank goodness for hope.  I will never let go of my hope, for it is my source of peace through this hard and discouraging time.

After this past week, I've gained a new appreciation for my life, for my body, and for the amazing people in my life.  I wake up in the mornings now and feel like I'm 80 years old.  My body is just sore and my heart and soul are exhausted.  But after all of that pain, I'm so grateful.  I'm grateful for the ability to walk all by myself, and I'm grateful to be able open my eyes without them hurting.  I'm grateful that I can use my hands without joint pain, and I'm grateful that even though my body doesn't feel like it functions properly, it's still functioning.  It's still working.  It's not giving up.  I'm not giving up.

I'm so grateful for all the people around me that love and support me.  I feel incredibly blessed to have certain people that I love so much be a part of my life right now.  I could not do this without them.  Most of all I'm grateful for my amazing parents who never left my side, who stayed up with me all those nights, who provided  me with comfort, and who peeled my half dead carcass off the floor after I passed out and brought me back to bed.  Thank goodness for my amazing, patient, kindhearted, and loving parents.  I can not walk this journey alone.  Thank goodness that God has provided me with the amazing people I need to help me through it. 

I'm incredibly grateful for one more thing, a huge blessing in my life.  I'm truly grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Without Him I would not have gotten through all that pain and suffering.  I would be done.  There were times when I wanted to be done, but through the Savior's healing power I somehow managed to pull through.  Thank goodness for that.  I love my God, and my Savior with all my heart.  The tender mercies of the Lord that are given to me on a daily basis are truly what get me through life right now, and I am incredibly grateful. 

 I've shed a lot of tears this week, but I truly believe that tears are a beautiful form of expression.  My tears are not a sign of weakness or failure, but an expression of strength and steadfastness.  I'm not a quitter, and I'm not giving up yet.  I'm a warrior, and I intend on beating this thing no matter how hard I have to fight.  So to all the warriors out there, here's a piece of hope.  It's not over yet.  Keep fighting.  It's always rough on the battlefield, but when you come out victorious, you'll remember how hard you fought, and it'll all be worth it.