Chronically Beautiful!
  • Home
  • About
  • Chronically Beautiful Blogs
    • Chronically Beautiful
    • Chronically Delicious
    • Chronically Healthy
  • Published Articles & Podcasts
  • Gift Shop
  • The Chronically Care Project
    • Care Package Application
    • Rise Above Lyme Sign Up
  • Contact
  • Disclaimer

Chronically Beautiful!

Picture

The Double Life I Hate Living

1/9/2019

0 Comments

 
Picture
Picture
Pressure.

I sense extreme pressure that builds up in my chest and makes my nerves tingle from my heart all the way to the tips of my fingers.  Pressure that makes me fear the future and gives me a severe distaste for my present.  Pressure that brings tears to my eyes when I least expect it and leaves me looking at myself in the mirror wondering who that girl is.

I'm not completely sure where this pressure comes from, but I have a slight notion that it originates from past traumas.  Memories of insufferable pain from Lyme disease for long nights.  Recollection of people that I love making promises they never intended to keep.  Thoughts of being hurt by the harsh words and actions of people who don't even seem to understand how much effect you can have on another's human heart.  This odd awareness for past experiences flashes through my mind when I least expect it, and leaves me feeling like something inside me is crawling up my spine.  I can't stand it, and for once I'd like to just be me and not have to worry about being crushed again by the insensitive human temperament that so many seem to possess.

I want my heart back, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again around other people.

When I'm occupying my own space, I get to experience a sense of acceptance of the girl that screams to be free.  In my sanctuary, I have the privilege of being that girl that doesn't eat sugar and experiences a thrill from eating healthy food.  I'm that girl that can sense things that others can't and is allowed to be highly sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, and the little beauties that are all around us, and it's not crazy, it's insightful.  I'm that girl that sings her favorite song as she's walking down the street and wears maxi-dresses for no special occasion, just because she can.  I'm the girl that jumps up and down when she gets excited over seemingly insignificant things, and I'm that girl that obsesses over to-do lists and loves schedules, but also loves feeling free as a bird!  I'm the girl that never does anything half baked, and it doesn't matter if everyone else executes everything in their lives with half the effort, because she can be happy living in her full and vitalized life.  I'm the girl that lavishes my entire heart in her endeavors and thoughtfully verifies that the beautiful living creatures that she comes in contact with can experience the intense Divine love that she can bestow. 

I'm also that girl who can be smiling one minute with gratitude that she's not in pain and crying the next because coping with trauma from illness is SO HARD.  I'm that girl that can laugh at the humor in life one second and be on her knees in prayer the next praying for release from severe anxiety and depression.  I'm that girl that can be on my feet and doing yoga one day, and in bed with a heating pad hardly being able to move the next, because Lyme disease sometimes breaks you.  But when I experience my whole being in a safe place for myself, I don't feel completely insane for the various and rapidly changing ups and downs.  When I'm safe, I can accept that I'm just a girl with a chronic illness who is trying to learn how to heal to the best that she can and sometimes she's dissatisfactory and defective at it, other times she thrives, and that's okay!
Picture
Picture
Picture

In the presence of large groups of people, everything changes and I often find my indestructible and merciless brick walls building up around my heart as a protection against the naysayers.  I often can feel the lock and key as I stuff my personality in a corner for the meantime.  I often feel trapped to be like everyone else, and if a little part of me comes out it could be dangerous in the hands of people who disagree or misinterpret.  I often find myself performing the act of the perfectly composed woman who wasn't just in excruciating pain the night before and can be wherever it is I need to be because I'm expected to be there, even if my body cries otherwise.  Concealing my thoughts, holding my tongue, not venturing too close...  Because if you unexpectedly get too close to someone who bites... you're left suffering on levels that they don't understand simply because they haven't experienced their severe adversity yet.  Protecting myself is chaining, exhausting, and lonely.  And for that reason, I choose my safe space as often as I can.

​Everything changes in the presence of people who misunderstand and misinterpret.  And the unfortunate truth is that so many people throw wrath and fear at others simply because they lack the ability to reach their hearts into someone else's.  So many lack the ability to be raw and honest with themselves and others about their lives.  We all struggle, and if the human struggle was a shared effort where we all sustained each other, there wouldn't be so many who feel the need to live a double life.

I often wonder what it would look like if it were possible to compile all the tears from human suffering into a box, how big that box would have to be.  And if people had a chance to witness how large that box was, if it would soften their hearts in a way that made them slightly more sensitive to the people around them and slightly more aware of the hearts that are crying out for help.  If we knew how deep other people's waters were, would we take extra time to stop and help them so that they don't drown?  And if everyone stopped and helped the people in deep water, maybe all the water as a whole would be lessened to the point where we could all patiently wade through less troubled waters together.  Maybe if we all decided to be a little more real, and a little more honest... then maybe those who suffer wouldn't feel the need to live a double life because then they would know that they weren't along and that there were strong hands waiting to lift their aching hearts.

God doesn't expect us to live out our lives in cold hard shells so as to not let other's notice our pains.  God desires us to love and lift the hands that hang down.  God wishes us to let love penetrate so deep that we can all feel His Divine love through each other.   I hate the pressure I feel to live a double life as a chronic illness warrior (and I know I'm not the only one), and I've found that I'm more effective at bringing light into other's lives when I'm simply striving to be my best self.  Maybe all of us could come to that realization in a way that could change the world.  
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Introducing:
    Chronically Claire

    Picture
    I'm Claire, I have Chronic Lyme Disease, and I believe that life is absolutely beautiful!
    Picture
    Our logo represents love and passion being infused into every aspect of what we do here at Chronically Beautiful. Our goal is to knit hearts together as we spread love, compassion, and awareness to those who are suffering.

    Categories

    All
    Adulting With Lyme
    Anxiety
    Beauty
    Betrayal Trauma
    Chronic Illness Truths
    Courage
    COVID19
    Dating
    Depression
    Endometriosis
    Faith
    Family
    Friendship
    Healing
    Healing My Brokenness
    Holidays
    Informational
    Inspiration
    Invisible Illness Myths
    Joy
    Love
    Lyme Stories
    Marriage
    My Story
    Pain
    Sick
    Strength
    Winter
    Worth

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    June 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    February 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015

    "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
    ~Elisabeth Kubler Ross
    View my profile on LinkedIn

Blogs

Chronically Beautiful
Chronically Delicious
​Chronically Healthy

Chronically Claire

About
Lyme Disease
Endometriosis

Support

Disclaimer
Contact
© COPYRIGHT 2015. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Picture
Disclaimer: For Educational and Informational Purposes Only.  The information provided by Chronically Beautiful is for educational and informational purposes only, and is made available to you as self-help tools for your own use.  All and any information given on my website is for the purpose of sharing information to help you help yourself, and not for me to take on any other role as any health professional.
  • Home
  • About
  • Chronically Beautiful Blogs
    • Chronically Beautiful
    • Chronically Delicious
    • Chronically Healthy
  • Published Articles & Podcasts
  • Gift Shop
  • The Chronically Care Project
    • Care Package Application
    • Rise Above Lyme Sign Up
  • Contact
  • Disclaimer