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Understanding Betrayal Trauma Part 1: This is My Betrayal Trauma

7/19/2018

17 Comments

 
Note from the Writer:  This article is in no way, shape, or form intended to be used as a way to "man bash" or condemn my ex-fiance.  In the past year of my life, I have felt complete forgiveness towards him and the decisions that he made at that point in his life.  I truly hope the best for him and wish him well.  I share my story today in hopes to reach a point of understanding and compassion for everyone who is going through, or who has gone through something similar.  I know I am not the first woman in the world to be betrayed, therefore I feel a deep connection to all of my fellow sisters who have been hurt.  This is to all of you who feel dreadfully alone... You are not.  You are understood.  You are loved.  Heaven is watching out for you and God is aware of your tears.  There is hope and happiness ahead. 
I have always been a very religious person. Religion has always been the core and center of my life and actions, and I grew up being taught true principles of the institution of marriage and family. I was always taught God’s purposes for marriage and family, and how to seek for and live in such a way that we can be blessed with an eternal family and an eternal marriage.

​“Families can be together forever.” That was my dream since I was a young girl observing my older siblings lives and watching them marry in the Temple and find joy through obedience to the doctrines and principles of the gospel. I wanted a marriage that would last forever. I wanted a love that was governed by God’s law, therefore making it the only true and pure form of love that exists in our world today. I dreamed of children and my joy being made full by raising a generation of strong and faithful children of God. These were all righteous and worthy goals and dreams. There was just one problem with this vision: I thought it would be easy.

Not only am I single as I write this article, but I’m THAT girl. That girl that spent 6 months with a ring on her finger thinking that I had finally found what I'd been looking for. The girl that was about to step foot into the journey of her "dreams coming true.” That girl that planned an entire wedding only to find a week prior that it was all a lie from the beginning. That girl that has a story to tell. That girl that believes that experiences like this MUST BE TALKED ABOUT because keeping quiet only leaves blank spaces for deeper wounds and undeniable scars. So today I’m finally talking about it. Because my hope is that someone else out there that reads this knows that she's not the first one to go through something similar, and it’s okay to hurt for a long long time. It’s okay to take time to grieve. It’s okay to feel broken for a while. And there IS HOPE FOR HEALING, even if in the moment, the healing that you seem to desperately be seeking for seems unreachable.
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​It’s been one year.  One long year where I’ve had the opportunity to experience a cleansing process that has left me feeling like I’ve shed my old skin…  And the funny thing is that at times I still feel like I’m trying to get used to my new skin.  The new me.  The me that was born out of indescribable and insurmountable levels of pain that I never thought I’d experience.   It’s been one year since my entire world came crashing down within seconds, and my whole life changed.  

I still remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, and everything seemed blissful.  I was to be married in a week, and I loved this man very much.  We had spent four years building a friendship, and almost a year cultivating a relationship of love that is patient and kind.  A relationship that I thought to be above any other relationship I’d ever find.  My life seemed like pure bliss, but even so, I felt a distant sting and fragility in the air that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, so I stubbornly pushed it in the back of my mind and tuned my thoughts to visions of wedded bliss.

I expressed to my fiancé the thoughts and concerns that seemed to buzz through my mind, but he assured me that all was well and that all would continue to be well.  I believed him.  I trusted him.  And I resolved in my mind that I was just being paranoid with my own worries that were irrelevant and irrational.  
I resolved to keep busy, concluding that my worries would subside.  I suggested we go and run an errand for the long-anticipated wedding we’d been planning for the past six months.  And for whatever reason, I stood up and reached for his phone instead of mine to inquire as to when a particular store would be closed. 

That’s when I found it.

Three words on his search bar that changed my entire visage.  Three words that concluded that he’d been searching for pornography possibly just hours ago.  My entire demeanor must have changed in the brief second when I read those words because he inquired of me what was wrong.  I asked why those words were typed into his search bar, and I looked at him with pleading eyes hoping that there was some logical explanation.

Somewhere within the course of those events, I exited out of that window on his phone, only to find multiple windows open of sick and twisted ideas of what women supposedly look like.  I felt sick to my stomach.

He did a great job.
He put on a show.

He reassured me that his brother had a problem, so the only obvious answer was that his brother got a hold of his phone and it wasn’t him.

The coldest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life is the lying eyes of the man I love gazing deep into the windows of my soul as multiple lies rolled from his lips.  He knew it was all a lie, but for some reason, he could look at the woman that he claimed to love so dearly straight in her eyes and lie straight to her face.  I never knew until that moment how unconsciously cold a single person could be.

We talked for hours… it felt like days… And somehow, he managed to semi convince me it wasn’t him.
I came home that night with a pit in my stomach.  Feeling like there was darkness all around me, and for some reason, it wouldn’t leave.

I’ll never forget when the truth finally came out.

I called him on the phone and asked for reassurance again.  I pleaded for the truth, but I didn’t believe it was him until it finally came out.

Those words still sting.  “It’s me… I have a problem.”

At first, I thought it was some sick joke.  It never occurred to me that pornography addiction would ever leak into my life or affect me in such a deep and excruciating way.  I’d never thought too much about that particular aspect of people’s lives until it glared at me in the face through dark and wicked eyes.  At first, I thought maybe I called the wrong number.  I thought there isn’t a way in the world this could be true.  I pleaded with God: “Please no… No. No. NO!  Please don’t do this to me!”

The phone fell out of my hands and hung up before I had a chance to say much more.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to kick and punch the wall.  But in that moment, I felt paralyzed. I had a sudden frightening sensation of someone grasping at my neck as if someone or something was attempting to suffocate me to my death.  

​It wasn’t long before I found myself sobbing and screaming uncontrollably.  Between sobs, my heart felt morbidly dysfunctional and stone cold.  Little did I know it would feel like that for a very long time.  I firmly called my wedding off as I sat across from the man I loved who suddenly seemed to be a stranger.  I spent the night restlessly in a panic with uncontrollable tremors from my head to my toes.  Everything felt dark and empty, and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the sun wasn’t going to come up in the morning this time.  Maybe I’d be swallowed up by this suffocating darkness for the rest of my life. 

The occurrence of events after that is irrelevant.  Looking back, everything seemed blurry and painful for days and weeks on end.  It was all over with him.  But the pain wasn’t.  And it wouldn’t be for a very long time.

The days passed in everyone else’s world, while my time seemed to have stopped.  Time for me was now measured by all of the different kinds of agony I was feeling.  It seemed to change so frequently.

At times I felt as though someone had taken a dagger and fiercely pierced it into my heart.  Over time it would then slowly be yanked out and then thrust back in again.

​I almost always felt on the verge of tears.  And no matter how hard I tried to keep them inside me, my tries were futile.

I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t sleep.
Everything felt lonely.
Everything reminded me of him.
Everything made me feel overwhelmingly sick to my stomach.
I felt paralyzed.
I felt traumatized.
I felt worthless. 
And I felt incredibly afraid.
There were lots of times where I felt uncontrollably numb.
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​I’ve scrolled through Facebook countless times and have seen all of my friend’s wedding announcements and happy wedding days.  When this whole journey began, I didn’t understand why the whole world seemed to be able to marry the first person they were engaged to.  And I didn’t understand why everyone else deserved love and happiness, but I didn’t.  I felt like I’d been robbed…  Robbed of my eternal marriage and cheated out of my eternal family.  And unfortunately, this feeling of being robbed was accompanied by emotional pain and suffering I never even knew existed. I didn’t even know that all of my extreme thoughts and feelings had a name.  But for some reason, once I found a name for it, I felt less alone.

Dr. Jill Manning, a marriage and family therapist and Certified Clinical Partner Therapist, defines trauma as “a deeply distressing or overwhelming experience that is commonly followed by emotional and physical shock. If left unresolved or untreated, traumatic experiences can lead to short and long-term challenges.”  Dr. Manning then goes on to state that “betrayal trauma occurs when someone we depend on for survival or are significantly attached to, violates our trust in a critical way.”

Considering the fact that there’s a clinical name for it, I don’t believe that betrayal trauma is a rare condition.  Nor do I believe that the number of people that are affected by it are small in number.  Unfortunately the world we live in is filled with evil influences, traps, and snares that lead people to make poor choices, and therefore hurt the people that they are supposed to be loving the most.  I suppose that’s why it’s so important that we cling to a loving and merciful Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ who is always the way back to hope and healing, no matter how far you’ve strayed, or whether you are the victim or the perpetrator in any given situation.

​For my particular situation, I was the victim.  And in such cases as mine, I had to reach the point where I stopped seeing myself as a victim, and saw myself as a woman of God with innate power and ability to experience healing and wholeness once again, which is exactly what I intended on doing…
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Click HERE to read "Understanding Betrayal Trauma Part 2"
Click HERE to read "Understanding Betrayal Trauma Part 3"
17 Comments
Anonymous
8/10/2018 14:58:55

Hey there, I am not here to try and oppose you or judge you for how you feel. You were very hurt and I am so sorry for that. But I do have one thing to say: Dont you think that if someone is struggling with something you should stand up and help them? Overcoming an addiction is not really something easy to do alone, and it is especially hard to ask for help. Obviously if this is just something you could not do, you dont have to, and I dont know you very well so I cant judge. But when you're getting married to someone you learn about their deepest secrets, and you need to be prepared for them. Some are worse than others, but usually they are something you can help with. That is my opinion, and I am not saying you have to agree with it but I just had to put it out there. Keep being strong and happy, do what makes you feel best <3 Thank you

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Chronically Beautiful link
8/10/2018 22:22:22

Hello! Thank you for your comment and your opinions! I'm always open to others thoughts and opinions on any given topic. I agree that when you are getting married to someone you should learn their deepest secrets. The requirement for that though is complete and raw honesty in which case I didn't receive. I was lied to up until the very point where I figured it out and he had no choice but to tell me. I was always 100% honest in that relationship, and in no way did I deserve all the deceit that was running in the background of that relationship. Nobody deserves such a massive breach in trust when you're thinking about marrying a person, and nobody should ever feel obligated to marry someone who can lie so easily. Because does love even exists without trust?
Also, I understand the point you are trying to make in saying that when the person you love is struggling with something difficult, you should stand up and help them. It's important to recognize here that pornography addiction is not an illness. It is not something that is impossible to overcome. And it is not something that is out of a person's control. It is in fact possible to live life without serious sexual addictions, and with that said it is also possible to live life after a sexual addiction. To say that it's impossible to overcome is to say that there is no hope for the addict. It's to say that there's no such thing as change or repentance, or a fresh start. And I don't believe that. I believe that Christ paid the price so we could repent and be made completely clean and have a fresh start, and become someone greater than we were before. Keep in mind as I say this that I'm not saying in any way that overcoming addiction is easy. It's not. But, it is possible. Life wasn't meant to be easy. It's the hard things that refine us and make us who we are if we choose to not become the victim and turn to Christ to help us heal in any given situation. I'd also like to point out too that God doesn't expect His sons or daughters to stay in a relationship that is in any way harmful to us. In my case, it would have harmed me greatly to stay. Forgiveness is not the same as excusing the wrongdoing, and love does not equate to staying in a place where you are continuously lied to and hurt. I hope that helps you understand my point of view on the topic. And of course, you are completely free to have your own thoughts and opinions on the topic. Thank you for your comment!

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Dani
8/21/2018 11:21:14

I was married to a man for 32 years.The last few years of our marriage, he starting watching and looking at porn everyday. I have always believed in being married until one of us dies. It got worse and worse. He would spend 15 hours a day on the computer. He would stay up all night watching porn to hide it from me. Then he would watch in front of me. I say that he is cheating on me. He rather go thru the divorce than get help. I tried to help him but he refused it. He was not going to get help. I finally had to file for divorce in 2014.

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Debra Masters
8/22/2018 23:40:29

Porn addiction is a thing. It destroyed my 18 year marriage. It undermined my self confidence. i am glad you didn't have to suffer through it.

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Sarah lou
8/14/2018 19:09:32

Hi,

What a beautiful and eloquent response. You definitely have a gift. The only thing I would say that pornography is an illness, as any addiction. You ask why throw everything away for porn? Because it is an illness that is why. Brain chemistry and reward systems are changed by addictions. Yes, it started with a choice to start but lots of illnesses do! Someone chose to smoke and they got lung cancer, doesn't make it any less cancer because they caused it themselves. Just some perspective because pornography addiction is no different than a gambling addiction. People throw their whole lives away for their addictions. You seem very strong and I respect you. I cannot imagine the pain and betrayal and what a beautiful story of how Jesus can heal.

Reply
Stephenie K.
8/15/2018 04:32:34

Hi Claire,

I just finished reading your story on Love What Matters on Facebook, and upon reading the comments that bashed YOU for being weak, wanting an “out”, overreacting, and being over dramatic, I wanted to reach out to youth tell you that you did the right thing, and though it must have shattered your world in that moment, you saved yourself YEARS of heartache.

I was once married to the man of my dreams; a man I had been in love with since I was in high school. When we finally got together and became husband and wife 10 years later, I thought it was a dream come true. And because I loved him so much, I knowingly entered into a marriage with him fully aware of his porn addiction, in which he had been struggling with for over 20 years. Unlike your fiancé, mine told me about his before we got engaged. But he told me he wanted to overcome it, and we naively believed we would together and that it would become our testimony. Boy, was I wrong.

I want to believe he tried, but pornography isn’t just a problem when you look at it. It remains on your mind and the mental images stay in your head. So even when he wasn’t watching it, he shared that he could pull up images of past videos he saw and use them to fulfill his sexual needs. And for this reason, we had no sex life with each other.

His addiction destroyed our marriage, and you are right in saying that YOU were the victim. I constantly felt unloved, humiliated, undesired.. we had no sex life because I couldn’t compete with these women he saw onscreen. I wasn’t enough to satisfy him. A husband who watches porn and is fulfilled by images of other women is no different than a husband who cheats.

As I watched our friends get pregnant and grow their families, I began to grow resentful, which led to me starting to disrespect him and it showed in how I spoke to him. This began a vicious cycle of “if you didn’t watch porn, I wouldn’t disrespect you! If YOU didn’t disrespect me, I wouldn’t feel the need to watch porn!” Somehow, I was to blame to a problem he brought into our relationship.

I respect you for having the courage and wisdom to call off your wedding and loving yourself enough to walk away from what you knew in your heart to be wrong and not good for you. Not many women can do that. Seeing all the comments that supported pornography as being “normal” and criticized you were so disheartening, but we only need the love and approval of ONE, so I hope you find comfort in knowing that even though the worldly ones are against you, your Father in heaven is for you, and He will provide the right man for you in due time.

Sincerely,

Stephenie

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Camille Thompson
8/15/2018 10:28:09

Pay no attention to the people that have no idea what they’re saying. Don’t let them shame you or ridicule you, don’t believe it or buy into it for a second. You were smart and brave to do what you did and those who have experienced this same heart ache applaud you and we wrap our arms around you to lift you up. I know what betrayal trauma is and those who think it’s “just a little porn” have no idea what they’re saying. The comments to you on that fb page are horrific and I hope you will pay them no attention. You saved yourself a lifetime of heartache and I am so happy for you. I hope your ex finance gets help in recovery and I am so glad you don’t have to deal with that long and painful road.

Reply
Chronically Beautiful link
8/17/2018 20:13:42

For anyone who is interested in my general statement about the betrayal trauma series, you can find it here:

https://www.chronicallybeautifullife.com/chronically-beautiful/chronically-beautifuls-general-statement-about-the-betrayal-trauma-series

Reply
Dani
8/20/2018 19:39:49

I was married to a man for 32 years.The last few years of our marriage, he starting watching and looking at porn everyday. I have always believed in being marriage until one of us dies. It got worse and worse. He would spend 15 hours a day on the computer. He was not going to get help. I finally had to file for divorce in 2014. As much as this betrayal hurt you, I'm so glad you didn't go thru the marriage. God has someone for you. God bless!

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Alexa
8/21/2018 11:14:30

You did the right thing. Praying for a godly man for you.

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Martha B
8/21/2018 17:20:29

Hello... I just want to say that I admire what you did! It requieres a lot to make the decision. God was the one who let you know about his problem and He also gave you the courage to do the right thing. The best you can do (and I know you do it) is praying for him so he can find help ASAP. The other day I watched the movie The Heart of a Man, and I was able to understand more about these huge problems in society. These addictions are like cancer!

Reply
Amy
8/21/2018 18:43:25

Pornography is something a lot of people see as harmless and not a problem. I saw comments highlighted in mainstream news articles saying he is normal and you overrated. You are the one in the wrong. I disagree and I don't think one needs to even view this through religion to understand it. Almost every stat about porn I have ever seen as been negative. Negative effects on the watcher and the relationship if he/she has one. Porn warps people's expectations. I seen a study saying it also changes the brains chemistry so certain responses to porn wouldn't be replecated. Causing for some a dependancy on porn.

If he wants to watch porn then he can find plenty of women that won't mind. Just be honest. It is wrong and detrimental to put on a fake face when dating. Especially something as serious as engagement where both claim to be religious. There are religious women that also don't mind so he still can find someone.

For you, I suggest you lay out your expectations very precisely early on. Before either of you gave any "stake in the game" more chances for honesty.

Best of luck. You seem smart and sure enough to handle the critics that will be coming your way in a steady stream the more the media highlight your story.


Hopefully you don't end up with MGTOW men. But they should see that you aren't doing what they consider status quo for women today (15plus partners, heard some claim 100+)

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M
8/22/2018 21:07:44

I am not religious and don’t agree with your religious beliefs and I support you 100%. Why purposely shackle yourself to someone who has a very different view than you when it comes to an issue like this one? That’s signing up for a lifetime of misery. To say it’s a disease and therefore you should have stuck around to help him get over it is ridiculous. It’s not like he was diagnosed with cancer the week before your wedding. To say that everyone is into porn and if you’re not you’re immature and repressed is pure nonsense. In the future, when you are married to the right guy, you will look back on all of this and will be so grateful you were much stronger and braver than most people in your situation would have been. Women sell their souls for a ring and dream wedding and then end up divorced later. You absolutely did the right thing.

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Another Anonymous
8/23/2018 15:35:21

I stumbled upon your blog and I have to be honest and mention that I didn’t read it in its entirety but I felt the need to comment. I am not a religious person by any means, I’m quite the opposite actually but I believe whole heartedly that we all owe it to ourselves to be selective when choosing a spouse. End of story. No explanations owed to anyone.

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Lauren
3/31/2019 14:08:07

I am so glad I read this! You have given me the extra push to leave my marriage of 12years. I was in denial and than saw him for the porn addict he was. He is also paying for porn. I respect your decision as a woman and i am so inspired by you! Thanks. You made an awesome decision...I love it!!!!.

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Eleanor Elizabeth Vallone
12/2/2019 22:42:03

I have been deeply betrayed by a man who had a secret porn...then strip club...then curbside hooker...then massage parlor prostitute habit. We were together 20 years before discovery. I belong to support groups. Your strength has avoided for you a long slow spiritual death and regular visits to the underworld. This man and his way of living had no place in your life. Even the bible allows divorce for adultery, and porn is absolutely adultery. Imagine your betrayal trauma lingering for DECADES of your life. I applaud your character and wisdom. GOD showed you that porn.

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