When Healing Hurts

It's been about a year since I've written in my blog, and as I recently skimmed through some of my old posts I found tears streaming down my face and I wondered how I could have left such an immense and deep-seated part of my soul in the past.  My heart resides in this blog, and shame on me for burying such a special part of me in the dirt.  I've changed and experienced so much this past year, and I hope to be able to share new messages of hope and peace to anyone who is struggling with any struggle, whether it be an outward struggle, like an illness, or an inward struggle, like feelings of inadequacy and fear of the future.  I hope whoever comes across this can feel overflowing love from God, and hope for better things to come.

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I desire to focus on healing.  But I'm not one to sugarcoat experiences, or pretend like my healing journey was comfortable and effortless.  I desire to share the good and the bad.  The beautiful and the ugly.  The tears and the laughter.  The suffering and the blessings.  The miracles.  The hope.  All of these things together make up my healing journey from chronic Lyme disease.  And yet, I still find myself battling this dreadful disease.  It's simply a different battle than it used to be.

Lyme disease is a monster.  Perhaps one of the scariest monsters I've ever had to face.  At times I feel as though I fight a grueling battle, only to wipe the blood off my sword and prepare for the next battle.  It's been brutal.  But it's been worth it.

My healing journey began with my angel mother.  Despite her own extended battle with Lyme disease, while I was at my worst she spent all of her extra energy and time on discovering new ways to help me heal.  And it was her who studied for days on end about the protocol I was to engage in.  Everybody deserves to have someone like my mother in their lives.  Someone who fights with you every step of the way and doesn't give up on you, even when the nights get long and the days get dark.  It takes courage and endurance to be a caretaker, but the best of people do it because their love for the person who is suffering is stronger than any disability or illness could ever be.  I'll forever be grateful to my mother for being that love that I needed.  That love that helped me to find answers.

I woke up on my first day of treatment with a deep seated fear, but also a renewed hope.  At the time I felt like I had reasons to fight.  I was fighting for my future family.  I was fighting for my Heavenly Father.  I was fighting for all the people who suffer from Lyme disease and feel hopeless.  I was fighting for my mother who has suffered twice as much and three times as long as I have.

My treatment was a seemingly simple detox therapy.  The theory of the protocol consisted of killing the bacteria, bringing the bacteria to the surface of your body, and then sweating it out through your skin, which would then later be washed off in the shower.  This happened in a step by step process that I completed every day for two months.  My morning began with a protocol that would specifically target the Lyme bacteria, and kill as much of it as it could in one shot without killing me.  I'd then orally take a specific dose of niacin and other supplements, followed by 30 minutes of exercise.  The excersise would then induce what is referred to as a "niacin flush" which means that my entire body would light up bright red, bringing the bacteria in my body to the surface, which then puts my body in the perfect position to sweat out all the toxins.  I would then spend the next hour and a half to two hours in a infrared sauna, at approximately 131° sweating, hurting, burning, and detoxing.  The treatment was then completed with a quick shower, and spending the remainder of the day feeling weak, exhausted, and achy. 

​Ultimately, this treatment was a miracle in my life.  But there's no denying that while I was suffering through it, I questioned whether or not it was worth it.  I recall days where walking on the treadmill seemed impossible.  I have memories of passing out and throwing up at random.  I remember times when I felt as if I were enclosed in a box and experienced panic that comes from feeling like your air is being taken away from you.  I remember the burn that came so fiercely across my skin.  The kind of burn that feels as though there are tiny shards of glass embedded in every pore of my body.  I recall the heartache and the tears, and the desperate waiting and watching the clock.  The glorious mental relief that came when the timer would go off, signalling that treatment was done for the day.

We sometimes see healing and miracles as things that are easy and painless, but I can't say that's always the case.  And if it were, we wouldn't ever have the divine chance to learn the crucial and vital things in life that we need to learn in order to overcome our greatest pains and suffering.  Painful healing is sometimes necessary for the growth of one's soul.  I was blessed with the glorious opportunity of a significant amount of healing from the plague that is Lyme disease.  After two months I found myself with renewed energy.  My pain slowly became less and less.  My strength increased little by little.  Even things like my face, hair, and skin seemed renewed and glowing towards the end of this era.  It was nothing short of a miracle and I will forever be grateful for all the loving hearts and hands that supported me through such a crucial time in my life.

So to anyone who feels as though no matter how hard you try the more painful it seems, I encourage you to hold on.  Because God may be healing you as we speak.  Soul stretching moments of healing aren't supposed to be easy.  But they're always nothing short of a miracle.  There is always hope for healing.  There is always light at the end of the tunnel.  The day will come when we will all find healing from our seeming brokenness.  The peace in the meantime comes from knowing that we're not alone, and that we have a loving God who's hand is divinely guiding us through it all.  It's critical that we don't lose hope. 

I've found that trauma and emotional anguish, over exertion, and a failure to continuously practice healthy living feeds Lyme bacteria.  I've found that my greatest desire is to be made COMPLETELY whole, but I've also learned that that may never be a reality in this life.  Despite all that, despite feeling like I've been pushed a little backwards, and despite that life is hard sometimes, I have a renewed outlook on life.  I have a new perspective that helps me to see the beauty, the healing, and the mercy in life.  My prayer is that we can all find that in life, even if at times that entails pain and discomfort.