Why I Refuse to Be Silent About My Personal Battles with Pain and Suffering

Throughout my life, I've had the privilege of sharing my story with lots of different minds and hearts that I've met along the way.  Putting the intense battle of so many various kinds of pain into words that are relatable to the average person always seems to be an arduous task on my part, and I frequently seem to receive the same message from people that don't know me very well yet:
"Wow, Claire... That's really personal." or,
"I'm surprised you just shared all of that with me... that's really personal." or,
"Wow... you've been through a lot."

As expected, these comments are usually accompanied with wide eyes, dropped jaws, and a look of bewilderment.  It wouldn't surprise me if at times people read my blogs and think similar thoughts. 

Now, don't get me wrong... I have experienced very valuable conversations with people about my adversities as well, and this isn't to say that I don't appreciate the chances I do have for listening ears and open minds to hear me out and answer my cries for help with love and compassion.  Those people know who they are, and they are very much loved and have forever left handprints on my heart.

But for this particular post, I want to articulate to my dear readers why I'm so very vocal about illness and tragedies, and why I feel such a deep desire to share my story, even if at times it may sound terribly personal, or be overwhelming to listen to or read.

I recently came across this quote on a Facebook page I follow that is dedicated to spreading awareness for Endometriosis (something that I've struggled with for years).  This quote really hit home for me personally and is partially why I felt inspired to write this post.  Which brings me to my first reason for refusing to stay silent in the midst of suffering:

1. It took me a really long time to develop a voice, and now I finally have it.  I vividly remember in high school I obsessively agonized over what people thought of me.  I was the "perfectly well behaved high school girl."  I couldn't stand it if a single hair on my head was misplaced, or if a single drop of makeup was smeared or absent.  I didn't have enough courage to say what I thought most of the time, and when I did say what I thought I was usually ridiculed or quickly shut down by my peers or teachers.  This subconsciously lead me to believe that being fake and keeping my mouth shut was the best option in most cases.  That, or subconsciously believing that I was incredibly unintelligent at least kept me in a social standpoint where I never had to step outside of the status-quo unless I was around a trusted friend where I could finally just be myself.

All of these false beliefs turned out to be incredibly damaging to me as I grew older and suffered greater tragedies than mere harsh judgments from my peers.  I reached a point where I truly believed that I was stupid and worthless, and it's been a battle ever since to remember who I am and why I'm here.  About a year ago, I suffered tremendous loss in my life, and when that happened, something inside me finally woke up.  Ultimately, I'm tired of pretending.  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of thinking that what I have to say isn't worth hearing.  I FINALLY found my voice.  And now that I have it, I'm not going to be silent.  

2. Deep connection and inspiration don't come from silence.  Here's something to consider: Why would all of us be put on this earth TOGETHER, to experience pain and suffering, if we were never supposed to talk about our experiences?  Adversity and hardship exist so that we can learn, grow, and be inspired, but we were not meant to do that alone.  If we were, we wouldn't all be here TOGETHER.

Everybody has a story that can bring tears to the toughest of people, but cold hearts and false beliefs are born out of silence.  If I choose to stay silent about my suffering, I'm depriving someone else of the strength that they may not know exists yet.  If I'm too afraid to share my story, I'm sending a message of fear to a society that is already riddled with fear and anxiety for the future.  In order to understand and truly appreciate the light in life, you have to experience and understand the darkness.  That's non-negotiable, but thankfully God blesses us with other people to help us to understand the darkness so we don't have to experience every ounce of suffering by ourselves.  And through our pain and suffering, we can learn to succor others... which is my next point.

 3. We're not meant to suffer alone.  When I think back to the times that I've been bedridden for months on end, I've tried multiple times to pinpoint the worst part of it all.  And I have to be honest... The worst part of Lyme disease and Endometriosis isn't the long nights of seizures, puking, and indescribable lower abdominal pain.  It's not endless exhaustion, joint pain, and muscle pain.  It's not panic attacks, depression, and fits of Lyme rage.  The hardest part of chronic illness... is the isolation.  I've had so many nights where I've felt like I'm the only one in the world who is suffering on such an immense level.  I've felt completely and utterly alone as I've come to realize that while I'm fighting a disease, everyone else's lives are continuing on without me. 

Nobody deserves to suffer alone.  Almost 50% of America suffers from one or more chronic illnesses, and while the other 50% are near oblivious to the excruciating suffering of us warriors of invisible illness, we're fighting for our lives.  Everybody needs help.  Every one needs support.  Every person needs compassion.  We were put on this earth to help each other.  We're put on this earth to experience pure love, but I truly believe that we cannot do that without experiencing hardship and being willing to walk the more difficult roads in life.  If my story can bring hope, peace, or strength to even just one person... it's worth it to me.  It's worth the vulnerability.  It's worth the chance that I could be shut down or ridiculed by some.  It's worth opening up and being personal.  We all need people we can relate to.  Silence cuts us off from that connection that we all need in order to survive this life. 

This is why I refuse to be silent anymore.  This is why I speak up and speak out.  This is why I believe that we all need to be a little more personal... because connecting hearts and promoting comfort and healing is so much more important than feeding our fear and protecting our pride.